After 7 months of silence, I am now hearing the still, small voice of His Holy Spirit saying--it is time to start posting again. This post is called "The Dark Night of the Soul" because that is where I have been for months after going into steroid-induced anxiety and depression and spiraling down into the blackest hole I have ever been in my life. It has been a journey that I never wanted to take, but, evidently I needed to take this very painful journey into complete darkness because there were so many things that the Lord could not teach me if I was not there. I will NEVER be the same person again. Never again will I think lightly of someone going through anxiety and depression. The world is very sympathic and understanding for persons going through physical problems--cancer or whatever, but when people began to have mental health issues, it is a whole different thing and because of the way many people view mental health, those going through the "living hell" of anxiety and depression are so ashamed and feel guilty that they try to hide it so then it becomes now only a living hell but a "silent hell" because of fear of being rejected by people if they tell others how they are truly feeling and what they are really experiencing. Well, this time, I am being impressed to share the whole seven month journey with all of you----leaving nothing out---my experience----as painful, ugly and awful as it was----all I was feeling, thinking and going through. In other words--I am going to "bear my soul" with you telling you all I believe the Lord showed me through it all---what all I have learned from an amazing Christian psychologist who is leading me through a book called "Making Peace with Your Past" about adults who came from severly dysfunctional families--like me having an alcoholic parent. I am amazed at what all she has helped me with. I will be telling you about that part of the healing process through what she has taught me. Also, Lynn and I went to a Grief Recovery Retreat and I will be telling you about my experience and what I learned during that. In order for me to be "real" and completely open with you, it will take me giving up what other people think about me which has been a real problem for me all my life---I was addicted to the praise and approval of other people--that came from my childhood. When I begin to tell you about everything, the only way I can do that is know that I am being impressed by God's Holy Spirit to tell you the entire journey and know then that when I do what He wants me to do and tell you---then the rest is His responsibility. Some will not receive it or judge or condemn me and that is okay. But many will receive---in my being real and just putting it all out there for you to read----that it will bring life---"His life and light"----to many people who are in need of hearing this story. God did not do it the way "I" wanted Him to do it nor did He take me where "I" thought I needed to go or get help from where "I" wanted to go. I kept telling Lynn that he needed to take me somewhere and leave me---to put me somewhere for a month before I drove my family nuts!!!
As one doctor said a few weeks ago---it is like a football field---I am not where I was (at the one yard line) but I am not at the goal post yet, but I am 30 or 40 yards down the field heading for the goal----to be restored body, mind and spirit---to be restored in the whole of my being and I have to concentrate not on how far I still have to go, but on how far I have come and my past successes. I no longer have to be taken to work with Lynn---which for months he took me to work with him every day--I was never left alone. Just since the first of February I am able to stay at home by myself. I am able to drive now and have even gone to Waco twice by myself!!! Sounds small to some people, but where I was, this is a HUGE accomplishment.
Now the other part of the sentence "In the dark night of the soul, bright flows the river of God". The bright flows the river of God involves ALL of you. During the dark night of the soul I was in when I could not pray or could not function, God raised up an "army" of people to pray me through. Many of you were part of that army. I will be telling you about what so many people did for me during those months. It will take a while for me to tell you the journey--and it will not be easy for me to be completely real with you, but I will be obedient to the leading of His Spirit to tell it and TRUST Him with the rest.
I can never begin to thank all of you for your part in my recovery, but please keep praying--I am not there yet, but THANK GOD I am on the way---and it has been by baby steps requiring much time and patience.
Hope you have a grace filled day!!